Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Aggression among Children
Parents, in Delhi, face
additional challenge in raising their kids as most of them live in a nuclear
family. So it is no wonder that we face dilemmas over when to play and what
to read and which language to
select for our children. Today’s workshop, aims to give you some tips that we
use as teachers, in our pursuit to inspire young minds and encourage our
students to become lifelong
learners.
Aggression,
in all its forms, is one of the most problematic behaviors for parents. It’s
also one of the most difficult to talk about. My goal here will be to help you
better understand the origins of aggression, what we do as parents that makes
it worse, and what you can do today to start lessening aggressive behavior in
your child.
The Roots of Aggression
Shocking as it may be to you
(and onlookers), aggressive behavior is a normal part of your toddler's
development. To understand what to do about aggression, we must first
understand where it comes from. The root of all aggression is
- Still-emerging
language skills
- a
fierce desire to become independent, and
·
Undeveloped impulse control: an underdeveloped
prefrontal cortex or we can say a Young brains lack skills for sharing. If a child you know refuses to share his toys, chances
are he knows he is doing wrong but cannot help it. So if a kid has trouble
playing fair, it is probably not because he does not understand the concept.
Rather he simply cannot resist the urge to grab all the cookies and run. Just
because the brain is that way doesn't mean it can't be changed. Education and
setting a good example can have an enormous impact on the child.
·
Frustration: There are hundreds of things that can frustrate your child, big and
small. Examples are not being able to make something work, not being able to be
with (mommy or daddy or grandma or best friend) whenever the child wants, not
being able to make a little brother or sister go away, not being able to have
whatever he wants whenever he wants it, and on and on. The main concept here is
that aggression is the result of frustration that becomes too much for your
child to bear.
What
can we do as parents to lessen the aggression? We’ll look at those questions in
a moment, but first I want to address the things that we do that actually make
the situation worse.
What Can You Do to Lessen Your
Child’s Aggression?
Now
that you understand more about what is behind your child’s aggressive behavior,
you have a way to figure out what to do. You must utilize the power of
attachment for your child’s benefit, not use it against him.
Follow up
with logical consequences. If your child gets into the ball pit at
the indoor play center and immediately starts throwing the balls at other kids,
take him out. Sit down with him and watch the other kids play, and explain that
he can go back in when he feels ready to join the fun without hurting other
children. Avoid trying to "reason" with your child, such as asking
him, "How would you like it if he threw the ball at you?" Toddlers
don't possess the cognitive maturity to be able to imagine themselves in
another child's place or to change their behavior based on verbal reasoning.
But they can understand consequences.
Keep your cool. Yelling, hitting, or telling your child he's bad won't get him to curtail his behavior — you'll just get him more riled up and give him examples of new things to try. In fact, watching you control your temper may be the first step in his learning to control his.
Set clear limits. Try to respond immediately whenever your toddler is aggressive. Don't wait until he hits his brother for the third time to say, "That's enough!" He should know instantly when he's done something wrong. Remove him from the situation for a brief time-out (just a minute or two is enough). This is the best way to let him cool down, and after a while he'll connect his behavior with the consequence and figure out that if he hits or bites, he ends up out of the action.
Discipline consistently. As much as possible, respond to each episode the way you did last time. Your predictable response ("Okay, you bit Billy again — that means another time-out") will set up a pattern that your child will recognize and come to expect. Eventually, it will sink in that if he misbehaves, he'll get a time-out. Even in public, where you may be mortified by your child's behavior, don't let your embarrassment cause you to lash out at him. Other parents have been there too — if people stare, simply toss off a comment like "It's hard to have a 2-year-old," and then discipline your child in the usual fashion.
Teach alternatives. Wait until your toddler has settled down, and then calmly and gently review what happened. Ask him if he can explain what triggered his outburst. Emphasize (briefly!) that it's perfectly natural to have angry feelings but it's not okay to show them by hitting, kicking, or biting. Encourage him to find a more effective way of responding — by "talking it out"
Keep your cool. Yelling, hitting, or telling your child he's bad won't get him to curtail his behavior — you'll just get him more riled up and give him examples of new things to try. In fact, watching you control your temper may be the first step in his learning to control his.
Set clear limits. Try to respond immediately whenever your toddler is aggressive. Don't wait until he hits his brother for the third time to say, "That's enough!" He should know instantly when he's done something wrong. Remove him from the situation for a brief time-out (just a minute or two is enough). This is the best way to let him cool down, and after a while he'll connect his behavior with the consequence and figure out that if he hits or bites, he ends up out of the action.
Discipline consistently. As much as possible, respond to each episode the way you did last time. Your predictable response ("Okay, you bit Billy again — that means another time-out") will set up a pattern that your child will recognize and come to expect. Eventually, it will sink in that if he misbehaves, he'll get a time-out. Even in public, where you may be mortified by your child's behavior, don't let your embarrassment cause you to lash out at him. Other parents have been there too — if people stare, simply toss off a comment like "It's hard to have a 2-year-old," and then discipline your child in the usual fashion.
Teach alternatives. Wait until your toddler has settled down, and then calmly and gently review what happened. Ask him if he can explain what triggered his outburst. Emphasize (briefly!) that it's perfectly natural to have angry feelings but it's not okay to show them by hitting, kicking, or biting. Encourage him to find a more effective way of responding — by "talking it out"
Make sure your child
understands that he needs to say he's sorry after he lashes out at someone. His
apology may be insincere at first, but the lesson will sink in. The passions of
toddlerhood can overtake a child's natural compassion sometimes. Eventually
he'll acquire the habit of apologizing when he's hurt someone.
Reward good behavior. Rather than giving your child attention only when he's misbehaving, try to catch him being good — for example, when he asks to have a turn on the swing instead of pushing another child out of the way. Praise him lavishly for verbalizing his desires ("That's so great that you asked to have a turn!") and, in time, he'll realize how powerful words are. Then give him a time-in by offering to push his swing or playing with him afterward.
Limit TV time. Cartoons and other shows designed for young children can be filled with shouting, threats, even shoving and hitting. Try to monitor which programs he watches, particularly if he seems prone to aggressive behavior. When you do let your child watch TV, watch it with him and talk to him about situations that arise: "That wasn't a very good way for him to get what he wanted, was it?" (The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under the age of 2 watch no TV at all.)
Provide physical outlets. You might find that unless your toddler gets a chance to burn off his abundant energy, he's a terror at home. If your child is high-spirited, give him plenty of unstructured time, preferably outdoors, to let off steam.
Don't be afraid to seek help. Sometimes a child's aggression requires more intervention than a parent can provide. If your child is unusually aggressive for more than a few weeks, if he seems to frighten or upset other children, if he attacks adults, or if your efforts to curb his behavior have little effect, talk to your child's doctor, who may in turn recommend a counselor or child psychologist. Together you can determine the source of the behavior and help your child through it. Remember, your child is still very young. If you work with him patiently and creatively, chances are that his pugnacious tendencies will soon be a thing of the past.
Reward good behavior. Rather than giving your child attention only when he's misbehaving, try to catch him being good — for example, when he asks to have a turn on the swing instead of pushing another child out of the way. Praise him lavishly for verbalizing his desires ("That's so great that you asked to have a turn!") and, in time, he'll realize how powerful words are. Then give him a time-in by offering to push his swing or playing with him afterward.
Limit TV time. Cartoons and other shows designed for young children can be filled with shouting, threats, even shoving and hitting. Try to monitor which programs he watches, particularly if he seems prone to aggressive behavior. When you do let your child watch TV, watch it with him and talk to him about situations that arise: "That wasn't a very good way for him to get what he wanted, was it?" (The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under the age of 2 watch no TV at all.)
Provide physical outlets. You might find that unless your toddler gets a chance to burn off his abundant energy, he's a terror at home. If your child is high-spirited, give him plenty of unstructured time, preferably outdoors, to let off steam.
Don't be afraid to seek help. Sometimes a child's aggression requires more intervention than a parent can provide. If your child is unusually aggressive for more than a few weeks, if he seems to frighten or upset other children, if he attacks adults, or if your efforts to curb his behavior have little effect, talk to your child's doctor, who may in turn recommend a counselor or child psychologist. Together you can determine the source of the behavior and help your child through it. Remember, your child is still very young. If you work with him patiently and creatively, chances are that his pugnacious tendencies will soon be a thing of the past.
Summary
Aggression
can be a difficult dynamic for parents to work with. It can trigger our own
frustrations, make us worry, and cause social concerns and fears. Aggression in
children should not be seen as a horrible behavior to be snuffed out as soon as
possible through any means necessary, but as a symptom of a relationship issue
and of our children’s inability to know how to process their difficult feelings
in a positive way. It is our responsibility and duty as parents to help our
children navigate this. If we don’t, who will?
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